Scene 1: On one side of the stage, Papa Proton sits reading the newspaper close to Nana Neutron who is reading a book. Orbiting close to them is their child, Elena Electron. On the other side sits Pete Proton reading a magazine while Nina Neutron sits close by crocheting. Their son, Eric Electron orbits closely around them. The electrons orbit only around their nucleus, but each time they pass by each other they wave or wink at each other.

NARRATOR : Two families living next door to each other for so many years they have grown comfortable with their lives, and as parents often do, have failed to notice their children have grown up. Now we are witness to the bonding of their offspring. Lawnmowers have been borrowed, and many a cup of coffee quaffed in the years they’ve been neighbors. Yet nothing has prepared them for this traumatic moment. Join us now as we enter the “Dysfunctional Zone.”

(Group one)

Papa Proton : (rustling his newspaper and clearing his throat) Well dear, I see that there is more turmoil in the world today than when you and I first sailed clear of the “Big Bang”. Atoms bonding right and left to make more and more materials. Good Heavens when will it end?

Nana Neutron : I’m glad we’re so safe in our own little nucleus. I would hate to be stuck to some atom we don’t know. Besides, our little Elena is growing up, and I would hate for her to get attached too soon.

Papa Proton : Especially to those folks next door. I hear they’re not really sure where that electron son of theirs came from. (He winks conspiratorial, then turns and gives a friendly wave to the neighboring atom.)

Nana Neutron : Perish the thought! Why that would just tear me apart and you know how I dislike fission! (She fans herself)

Papa Proton : (muttering to himself) Tell me about it. (shakes his newspaper and settles back in his chair.)

(Circling outside the two atoms are their respective electrons: Elena Electron and Eric Electron. As they pass each other they give a little wave and keep going. Circle 3x)

(Break to the second set of actors.)

Pete Proton : (Looking up and seeing the two electrons wave to each other) Good Grief! Ma, you have got to do something about that! I don’t like the way those two are looking at each other! Gives me the creeps thinking I might get hooked up to those two next door! (He leans over and gives a cheery wave to the other atom, then leans back in his chair shaking his head.)

Nina Neutron : I hear her quarks aren’t even real! (She too turns and gives a big cheery wave to the neighboring atom.) I hear she got ‘em in a lab!

(The two electrons begin to enlarge their orbits so they pass closer to each other in the middle. As they do, they shake hands and smile into each other eyes.)

Papa Proton : (Seeing them and standing up quickly) Jehosephat Elena! What the heck is going on there? I’ll not stand for it! You stay in your own orbital shell where you belong!

Elena Electron : Oh Dad, it’s just a weak electrical bond! No need to get worried!

Papa Proton : There better not be! (He sits down and reads his newspaper again while Nana Neutron watches the electrons.)

Nana Neutron : Now dear! It’s just a weak electronic interaction, not even as strong as a Hydrogen bond, nothing to worry about! Besides, it’s very easy to break up. And believe me that’s what I’ll do before living with those atoms next door! (She smiles and waves to the atom next door, then sits back.)

Papa Proton : Hydrogen Bond, phooey! I heard from the boys at the office that those two (pointing to Pete and Nina) connected with some Nitrous Oxide one time for a week!

Nana Neutron : Laughing gas! Well I guess, unlike Bill Clinton, they inhaled! Way too much, I might add! (She smiles and waves)

(This time Elena Electron and Eric Electron meet in the middle and instead of going their own routes, link arms and both start to circle Pete Proton and Nina Neutron, smiling at each other.)

Pete Proton : (Jumping up out of his seat and throwing his paper to the floor) Eric, what in the Sam Hill do you think you’re doing?

Nina Neutron : (In alarm) Oh My! You just take her back where she came from this instant!

Eric Electron : For Pete’s sake Pop! I just thought I’d show her my orbital plane for a while!

Elena Electron : I wanted to get to know you folks a bit better. !

Nina Neutron : (to Pete Proton) They’ve formed an Ionic Bond! That girl’s transferred over to our nucleus. What’ll we do now? Now we have a negative charge and those two next door are obviously positive with her departure! I can’t stand the thought of a medium strength bond with those two next door!

Pete Proton : Now Nina, let’s not jump to conclusions! How do you know they’re that serious?

Nina Neutron : I was young once too! I’d rather be bonded to a piece of chicken feed then be bonded to those two next door! (She smiles and waves to Papa and Nana.)

(The two electrons now begin to circle both atomic nuclei, pushing the chairs closer together and occasionally making a figure eight as they orbit the bonded nuclei.)

Papa Proton : (Standing up and throwing his paper to the floor) Well that does it, they’ve gone and bonded us covalently now! We’ll never break this up! We’re bonded for good now with those bums next door!

Nana Neutron : I knew it, I knew it! First that little electrical attraction, not even as strong as a Hydrogen Bond - nothing serious, easily broken. Then that Ionic Bond - she actually came over to tour our orbits! Still, nothing too strong, it could be broken. But now this!

Papa Proton : The worst! Covalent Bonding! We have to share the both of them! With that nucleus, of all things! The strongest bond of them all!

(The electrons continue their new orbit encircling both atoms while the proton and neutron couples in the nuclei settle back)

Papa Proton : With them of all atoms! (He smiles and waves) Jerks!

Nana Neutron : I’ll never live it down! This is terrible! (She smiles and waves.)

Pete Proton : I’ll be the laughing stock! That guy’s a clown! (He smiles and waves.)

Nina Neutron : I knew we should have bought that Steinway! (She smiles and waves.)